my entire journal collection 12-20. my ipod, it's my life line. book of mormon and bible. a picture of all the people i care about.

I lean back in my chair and hear the groaning of it. It echoes the groan of the chain in my head. This was the chain of diamonds we made that was supposed to strectch the country and never ever under any circumstances. And yet.
Balls.
And yet I feel like it's tearing me apart.
I know that sounds dumb and 14 year old ish, but thats how I feel.
My other half is in a city I've never seen with people I've never met doing things I only write about.
And here I sit.
Waiting.
People tell me to go out and live my life. Yeah I KNOW!
but my life is on the other side of the country.
It's hard to survive with only half a heart.
I think if you're ever in that situation you should just hold your breath and wait it out. Thats what I'm trying to do. But the tears are blurring my vision and my face is turning blue....
And I'm scared I'll hear a link in that chain snap one day.
I'm scared I'll wake up and we haven't talked in a week, a month.
I'm scared that you'll get annoyed with me and tell all your friends there that you have this rediculous friend who follows you around and you really wish would just stop texting you.
I'm scared that you'll get bored with me, i'm scared you'll finally realize I'm not worth it.
And I'm scared that somehow you'll see me crying as I type this from thousands of miles away.
And I'm scared
that you'll
leave.
And I know I need to be my own person and I need to experience life and i need to enjoy this time in this place with THESE people.
But I just can't really get it.
But I'm trying.
but know that I'm here. Waiting. Holding my breath for however long it is till I can see you again.
however long it takes.
Just please.
Don't make my nightmares, my fears, my insecurities
become true.


It would break me forever.
And I mean that. I've lived through enough things that I thought would scar me forever to know that this....that this thing that we have........is more than now. it's more than then. it's more than ANYTHING I've ever experienced.....this is ETERNAL...........


I lean forward and listen for the groaning of the chain...................................................

The oppurtunity to make friends with great people. The oppurtunity to move on with my life and forget those who don't matter. The oppurtunity to get closer with my sister. The oppurtunity to make my own choices. The oppurtunity to make up my mind. The oppurtunity to be my own person. The oppurtunity to be grateful. The oppurtunity to LIVE!
And you know what?
I'm taking that oppurtunity

I'm realizing I don't need him. It's this slow creeping feeling, like regaining feeling in your leg. i really dislike it. Pins and needles push into my mind, popping the bubbles of mislead hope i once had. I don't know how long this will last, or if it will ever end, but I guess this is what falling out of love is like. Well I guess I'm not falling out. No this motion has been thought through, but it's gained a momentum I never thought I'd acheive. I guess it's something like a slinky. I gently nudged it off the first step and now it's moving faster and faster down a spiral staircase. Where these stairs lead I'm not to sure. All I know is that it's painful, but a kind of pain I like. I think after everythings gone. All the longing to call him and the memories of him and the general happiness he gives me, once all that's gone I'll still have a hole in my heart.
Thats a fact few people know about me, I was born with a small hole in my heart. My parents prayed and prayed and prayed and the next day it was gone.
I guess he tore away the scar tissue. I guess he burrowed himself done there. He fit perfectly there. Nice and tight, distracting me from everything else he did. All he needed to do was say my name every once in awhile and I would be fine. All he needed to do was look me in the eyes every once in awhile and I was fine.
You know he's the only one I ever really accepted a compliment on and truly took it to heart. He once told me my eyes were perfect. Perfectly symetrical and beautifully colored. Seeing as I've always hated my eyes he really changed my self image.
I guess one day every thing I held on to of him will be gone and I'll be left with that hole. with enough prayer will it go away? With enough tears will it go away? With time will it heal? Couldn't it just be over night? I feel like a piece of me is missing. Sometimes I look down at myself and try and remember what I forgot. Oh that's right I forgot to make sure he'd be here forever. I guess he would be here forever. Well not here, he'd always be there. always at arms length. I was always reaching out trying to crab him, but he never let me. He was always the one making sure the distance stayed. I'm sure he doesn't realize ths conciously, but he does. All my friends tell me to forget him, but thats telling me to forget the cork that held the place in my heart. The cork that made sure I didn't leak out at the hardest times. the cork that listened to me cry, the cork who listened to me vent, the cork who gave me the best hugs of my life and who I would fall asleep in his arms forever.
But I guess I have to. So whoever reads this pray, meditate, send me wishes, whatever, just please help me heal my heart, because it hurts, it hurts so bad, but I know it's the best thing possible for me. But it still hurts.

Salt water is the best balm.
Tears or the sea will help you heal

feeling. If we feel nothing then we aren't alive. Tree's feel, squirrels feel, rocks do not.

I feel, therefore I am.

 was scared,I knew, for some reason, that this night was going to be pivitol to me for the rest of my life. He was so cute with his hair slicked that way. I hadn't even PLANNED to come tonight. Social gatherings really aren't my thing, but I heard he was going and I was definitly not gonna miss that chance. So i threw something on. Slapped on some makeup. Ran through a cloud of perfume and I was out the door with my room mates beside me. I was so scared! I thought something was going to happen between me and him, little did i know that something so much more monumental was about to happen. When we walked in the door it was already pretty sticky and sweaty, but as soon as I saw him all dressed up I didn't mind a bit. I decided the best course of action was to gravitate around him all night, but make no delibirate attempts at anything. So there i was dancing away, one eye always on him. Then I saw her. She was gorgeous, wild and funny. She was in all of my classes and lived across the hall from me, and yet I was still bitter. I knew she was normal just like the rest of us, but for some reason she was different. I was bitter, and yet i wanted her to like me. If she liked me well then maybe some of her would rub off on me, and then maybe he'd like me! That was the new plan. She start dancing hardcore, something that i'd been known to do before so I started to dance as well. Out of the corner of my eye a ball of blonde hair came into my gravitational field, but that didn't really matter. I was already feeling the tug between him and her, and it just didn't matter. I was dancing and dancing, and the night was coming to a close. the blonde ball and i had spoken a few times her name started with an M, I just wasn't sure what it was. She was wearing a Stevie Nicks shirt, I knew that. She seemed really nice, but I had to stay focused. Then he asked me to dance, my whole world had led up to this moment and here I was all sweaty and gross. Oh well here goes nothing. And to tell you the truth as we danced I thought I saw fireworks, looking back on it I think it was a disco ball....After that I didn't have to worry about anything the rest of the night, I'd had my dance, and he was too much a gentle man to dance with one girl more than once so I just moved on. So there i was back dancing with her and the blonde ball. The blonde ball and I were talking more we laughed at the same jokes, both loved the same songs, and I just felt this energy between us. As I gave her a hug good night I just had the feeling to sink my teeth into her shoulder, and as I did I knew that she would make a mark on my life, the way I made a mark on her skin.
And i was right.

Sitting here looking out my window reminds me of him, of that night. I remember his head on my shoulder, him grinning up at me. I felt alive that night. like nothing could go wrong. My normal wary and worried self was no where to be found. When we'd first picked the boys up I'd been so nervous, but he'd made me relax. He was being his normal goofy self and dragging me along wether I liked it or not. I remember looking down on his silly mug as he tried to tickle my neck, my ear, or my nose. That was him, finding your boundries and pushing them. I had never been a physical person but he'd guessed that and he tried to change that. Thats why I was so happy. No one had ever been like this with me.I was always the best friend who spent her time being intellectually intimate, not actually. I guess thats why I chose him to be my date. He was unlike anyone i had ever known, or will ever know. I remember him whispiring to me silly little quips that no one else heard or laughed to. I remember him rubbing his chin against my cheek making me laugh at his invisible beard. I remember the way he smelled as he snuggled under my arm and rested his head smiling contently. I remember after a night of fun how I'd been so tired I'd gently rested my head on his shoulder while he sang me songs I didn't know. I remember staring at him while he sang and gently drifting home as the night sky flew past the car windows. I remember that night with him being perfection.

Now he and I hardly speak. I don't have the courage and he doesn't feel the need. We had that one night, that one perfect night. I remember him heading home, watching him leave wondering if anything would come of this, of this perfection. And I'm sad to say that nothing did. I'm sure in time the memory will fade from his mind, but from mine it never will. It will always be a perfect night, something that can not be reinacted and shouldn't be. I will remember this for a long time, but one day, hopefully, another night wil come along that is just as perfect in a differnt way and will replace that night as the best night of my life. it will take the coveted 1st position. But that memory won't fade, it will still be there, only playing second string. I hope he knows that. I hope he knows he made me happy, happier than i've been in a long while. And I guess, thats why I miss what I never had.

I press my hand against the cold glass. Voices murmur from the 2 front seats but my mind is floating like the flakes outside. My eyes have the burn that comes with car heaters being on too high, but I don't mind. I actually quite enjoy the pain as my hand leaves steam on the window. I gently place my head against it. I feel the tips of my ears slowly go numb and feel my cheek bone begin to rub against the glass. Its like sitting on your leg too long, but I am so complacent I don't mind. My eye lids are at half mast staring out the window to a black and white world. I can hear the calm music coming from the radio and everything seems perfect. My nose picks up the slight scent of Old Spice. I chuckle to myself, why is he wearing cologne for a sunday night drive with two of his good friends? I chuckle a little hard realizing how much she is thrilled about it. Thinking of her I mindlessly play with the tips of her long thick black hair. I have always been jealous of her hair. My hair is too thin to do what I want it to do.
I take in deep breaths in through the nose out through the mouth. Slowly, deeply, contemplativly. I guess this is meditation, observing your breathing. This is the most relaxing thing I've ever felt. I can feel the knots in my back loosen, unwind. I can hear the slush spray out from under the tires as we speed toward nowhere in particular. I can hear a chuckle issue from him and titter of adoration from her. I can hear the painful serenade of the singer on the radio. I can hear my heart beat. I can hear my thoughts slow. I can feel the world around me.

Its getting close to midnight. we're headed back. My mind is still somewhere in the snow, the car, the night, my head. Somewhere. As we get out of the car my laughter bubbles forth like caramel. Sweet and delicious, but only if made with the right recipe. I can hear her talking to me. Something about saying I'm high. Something about me being so silly. But I don't hear her. I mean I hear her, but I don't all at the same time. I unlock our door and tumble into the couch. I lay there for a second and listen to the snow melt off my shoes, my breath come in and out, the radiator buzz. I rise up with a sudden burst of energy and grab my clothes from my room. I turn to the bathroom, thats all it takes in our tiny apartment. A turn and you're in a different room. I turn on the hot water. I feel the mist start to rise and as I submerge into that water my hands feel that cold pane of glass.